*This post has been updated from a blog I originally wrote in 2016, when Mark and I were in a long distance relationship. It has been changed to reflect our relationship as a married couple. You can find the original post on my previous blog domain*
I’m going to paint you a little picture here:
Jillian and Bob have been dating for 3 years.
On their anniversary, Bob surprises Jillian with a bouquet of roses.
Later that evening, Jillian scrolls through Instagram.
She sees a photo from her friend Lucy. In the photo, Lucy is sitting across the table from her boyfriend of 2 months. The new couple is at a ridiculously expensive restaurant. Oh, and the caption?
“When bae takes you out for dinner, just ‘cuz.”
Jillian’s face gets hot. A table at that restaurant cost WAY more than the flowers she'd received from Bob.
Jillian is lowkey irritated with Lucy for flashing her perfect personal life all over Instagram, but she takes a screenshot and texts it to Bob.
She waits, hoping Bob will understand the not-so-subtle hint to "step it up."
He doesn’t. His response is “LOL.”
Sound familiar?
Probably (unless you’re just an inherently noble human who doesn’t fall into the same petty trappings as me Jillian).
Over the years, my friends & I have had enough conversations about this topic for me to deem it worthy of a blog, so I want to pose a couple questions:
1. What are the motives behind the information we share about our relationships on social media?
I’ll admit that on multiple occasions, I have drafted the perfect post about my relationship with Mark with intentions that were not exactly genuine. While social media offers us the space to leave a caption with every photo, the caption could never reflect more than just a fraction of the full story behind the moments leading up to the photos.
Let me give you a case study from our honeymoon in St. Lucia:
Let's break this down:
Photo A: Mark sitting in a recliner looking hot during the golden hour
Caption: "he packed twice as much as i did & more than half of it=Butler t-shirts"
Reality: Okay, this caption is actually TRUE. However, so is this: Mark got a little annoyed with me for blocking the impending sunset over the ocean and told me to enjoy the moment. He also saw an earlier version of this photo and didn't like the way he looked, so he adjusted his shirt and switched up his chin placement #gottagetthemangles (read in Drake voice for full effect).
Photo B: Me trying hard to serve some Fyre Festival social media campaign vibes on the beach at our resort
Caption: "sunshine + saltwater"
Reality: Yes. Both nouns are present in said photo. But I also wanted Mark to join me in this picture, and he didn't want to be in the picture, because he didn't want people to look at pictures of him in his bathing suit. He took like 60+ photos of me holding this hat, and I chose this one because it looked the most "candid," even though it definitely was not. TBH, I think I made myself dizzy from flipping my hair so aggressively. We had a mini argument because I was agitated Mark was visibly not enjoying his first official assignment as an "instagram husband," and I was offended (Yes, I know this makes me an easy target, and I know how bad this makes me sound, but hey, I'm trying to be authentic).
Photo C: Mark and me hugging on roadside with the gorgeous Castries, St. Lucia scenery stealing the show behind us.
Caption: "fully aware that i look like an 18 year old boy who is dressed like justin bieber, but WOW, what a week, what a view, what a guy, & most importantly, what a good good God."
Reality: Once again, this caption is true, HOWEVER, there's a lot more than meets the eye.
What you don't see is that I was incredibly carsick. You see, St. Lucia is a very hilly place, and there are a lot of winding roads, and I get carsick verrrry easily. This was also moments before we waited in extensive airport lines without air conditioning, surrounded by a plethora of entitled and impatient resort-goers. This was also before our plane landed and we were greeted by a voicemail from our landlord telling us our cat had flooded our apartment (but that's a different story).
Okay, so what's wrong with these posts?
Well, in the words of the all-knowing Chris Harrison, I wasn't sharing these photos "for the right reasons."
These posts did not purely come from an effort to preserve special memories on a digital channel - they came from my desire to play the role of PR Rep. for my own image.
I was showcasing moments from our honeymoon (not too many, because you don't want people to wonder why you're spending too much of your honeymoon on social media when you should be enjoying each other's company, obviii) that would make people think we were #relationshipgoals - moments that would make people think about how cute and perfect we were as newlyweds.
2. How does social media impact our satisfaction with our own relationships?
Think back to the Jillian and Bob story at the start of this blog. Jillian became less satisfied with her relationship with Bob after she saw her friend’s Instagram post about a fancy date.
As a whole, we tend to evaluate the quality of our own relationships in comparison to the other relationships we observe (shout out to Thiabut & Kelley’s Interdependence Theory), so when you’re comparing your entire relationship (the sparkly side & the not-so-sparkly side) to someone else’s highlight reel, it’s not going to do wonders for your relationship satisfaction.
You’d better believe I’m going to Instagram the bouquet of hyacinths Mark gave me, but there’s no way you’ll ever know that I probably made a not-so-subtle hint that it sure would be super cute if he gave me my favorite flowers for my birthday this year just like he did during the year we first started dating.
And as for the cute posts you see about me on Mark's account? There's a pretty good chance he handed me his phone and asked me to check the grammar of his caption before he clicked, "Share." There's also a 40% chance I mildly complained, "You haven't posted any photos of me in a while," before he shared the photo.
See where I’m going with this?
Social media can be great for promoting positive moments and kind gestures, but if left unexamined, our #relationshipgoals will be defined by the couples whose relationships are the most Instagrammable (it’s a word, kay?).
EXPECTATION VS REALITY
PHOTOS WE POST VS PHOTOS WE DON'T POST
US AT OUR BEST VS US MOST OF THE TIME
It’s healthy to have expectations in a relationship, but let’s make an effort to center those standards around the depth of your respect for one another, the quality of your conversations, and the kindness that you demonstrate toward each other—not the price tags on your gifts or the photos on your social media feed.
Sincerely,
Kelly
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