Going the Distance: 3 things I learned from long distance relationships

Long distance.

*Queue the violins from the shower scene in Psycho*

Two little words with the potential to strike panic in the hearts of countless couples.

At first blush, the idea of long distance dating can be daunting. Trust me, I know.

In fact, before my husband and I got married, we spent half of our relationship in separate states.

When I started dating Mark, he lived in Indiana and I lived in Michigan. This wasn't too tough--our colleges were only separated by a few hours in the car, so we could visit each other on weekends. However, once Mark moved to Grand Forks, North Dakota, it was a different story. Before I joined Mark in North Dakota, we saw each other through screens and impulsive plane ticket purchases.

Living in living in different area codes is not for the faint of heart - however, going the distance can teach you powerful lessons that set you up for strong, solid relationships in the long run.

Here are the top 3 lessons I learned from long distance dating:

1. Long distance dating improves communication:

Here’s the stone cold truth: long distance cannot work without solid communication. I won’t lie to you, communication is more challenging during long distance, and it requires more effort than a close-proximity relationship.

While this may seem intimidating, it can provide you with many opportunities to improve your communication as a couple.

Communication during long distance is all about going the extra mile (obligatory distance pun, sorry) to keep your significant other in the loop; it requires you to think from the perspective of your partner.

Example: Mark took a job in North Dakota to work as a Sports Anchor/Reporter. Before I took a job at the same TV station, we had to get creative with our communication, because he had such unusual hours and our schedules did not line up.

During the long distance period of our relationship, I dowloaded the station's app, so I could watch his broadcasts - it made me feel close to him even if we didn't have a lot of time to talk during the day. However, the app also sent me notifications about breaking news.

One day, Mark told me he was driving to cover a story. An hour later, my phone buzzed with a notification from the news app - it said there was a pretty bad crash in a city near Grand Forks. The city where the crash occurred just so happened to be the city Mark told me he'd be traveling to for an interview. Naturally, this made me a little nervous, so I gave him a call just to make sure he was okay.

This was circumstance became one of very few times Mark did not answer his phone (usually he's a pick-it-up-on-the-first-ring type of guy). Thus, notificationgate ensued.

After notificationgate, Mark started punctuating significant stretches of driving with little texts, telling me he made it to his destination.

I never asked Mark to do that, but he knew it would give me peace of mind, so he did it anyway. He viewed it as a kind action he could take to keep me in the loop, rather than seeing it as an unnecessary task.

This small, thoughtful act became a staple in our relationship - even now, when we share a state, a city, and an apartment. Long distance dating teaches you to be aware of the other person's thought process, and it coaches you to be considerate in the way you communicate with each other.

2. Long distance dating takes the focus off of the physical

Developing a healthy, consensual, affectionate physical relationship is so important - but long distance certainly makes it ~complicated~.

Actually...may I just be blunt with you for a second? Do not sign up for long distance if you don't think you can handle cutting back the majority of your relationship's physical side.

This is one of the most excruciating aspects of long distance. I can still vividly remember the way I felt when I was driving down the street and saw a couple walking hand-in-hand on the sidewalk. I remember how in that moment, there was nothing I wanted more than to have Mark sitting next to me in the passenger seat, holding my hand.

There will be moments when you really want a hug or a kiss, and you know you won't be getting one for another month. And it's hard. Physical touch is such an important factor in a relationship, when you just really want a hug or a kiss, and you know you won't be getting one for another month.

And it’s hard - I won't sugar coat it.

But it’s worth it. Long distance made a lasting positive impact and my relationship with my husband, because we had so much time to build on the emotional side of our relationship. Our focus on our feelings for each other was so uncomplicated, partially because we were fostering affection without accelerating the physical side of our relationship.

It taught us not to confuse the butterflies and love - butterflies are instant and uncontrollable; but love - love is warm and gradual and expansive. It taught me to appreciate the butterflies I'd feel as I raced through the airport and into his arms. But it showed me those butterflies weren't the basis for our relationship.

While a running leap hug in the airport may be more worthy of a scene in a romantic comedy, it's just one way to communicate the love we built over teary phone calls after hard days, and encouraging texts before nerve-racking interviews. Because sometimes love grows more from grit than glamor.

Love is so much more than a flurry of excitement or attraction - it's security, warmth, depth, and understanding.

3. Long distance tests your commitment to the relationship

In some ways, long distance is a sacrifice—you don’t get to spend a lot of time together in-person, which can be challenging, especially if your top love languages include quality time or physical touch. However, finding someone who is willing to temporarily relinquish the perks of a close-proximity relationship shows a pretty high level of commitment to making the relationship work.

I found long distance strengthened my confidence in the relationship, because I knew I was with a person who wanted to date me, even though the circumstances were less than ideal, and quite inconvenient.

Long distance is not for everyone, and not everyone will experience long distance, but it can test a relationship by illuminating commitment to the relationship.

I believe it's much easier to discern whether or not you could see a future with someone if you know you're both willing to put in the extra effort that distance demands - and take on the challenges that come along with it.

Now that is worth the extra mile.

-Kelly